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Loneliness and Isolation

Some time ago, I had a chat with a neurotypical person about some of the things that autistic people find challenging and how by default, we tend to shy away from anything that we find challenging and/or difficult and that doing this can lead to loneliness.

The person I was speaking with remarked that they'd got the impression that many autistic people enjoyed spending time on their own and went on to finish their sentence by saying, "I feel sorry for them."

The pretentiousness of this remark and the patronising nature of it really grated on me. It's precisely this kind of misconception that slows the progress of acceptance and it's probably worth pointing out at this relevant moment that feeling empathy for somebody is not the same as feeling sorry for somebody.

Let's look more into this...

Some of us will just generally prefer our own company
Some of us prefer our own company because it doesn't mean we have to consider someone else
Some of us prefer our own company because the effort of mixing with other people leaves us exhausted so it's just easier to keep ourselves to ourselves
Some of us may have had bad experiences with others in the past so choose to stay away from people to prevent a possible recurrence
Some of us have anxiety, low self-esteem or agoraphobia which keep us inside
Some of us engineer the more solitary life for ourselves as we find it comfortable but we miss having people to engage with every once in a while
Some of us actually don't want to be alone but we lack the social skills to make the necessary connections to bond with others therefore end up alone because of that.

From the above, you can see that there are many reasons why autistic people might either choose to live more solitary lives than non autistic people or feel they have no choice but to.

To hold an assumption that all autistic people want to be alone is fundamentally wrong but to hold an assumption that many autistic people are alone is probably nearer to being correct.

I know from groups I'm in and other autistic people I liaise with that many wish they had friends but equally, they also acknowledge that they lack the 'staying power' to maintain the type of friendship that a non autistic person might expect.

Being able to commit to meeting somebody regularly is very difficult and moreso for those of us with demand avoidant personality traits. Neurotypical people will often construe an autistic person's vague demeanour as to when the next meet up might be as a sign that they don't want to be in their company which usually isn't true, it's just that we can't do it this time because [insert issue here]. It's hard work!

And in saying the above, I'm also acknowledging that it's often not a walk in the park for the neurotypical friends of autists either. The key for both is communication. If you're not autistic, consider that your autistic friend may feel more comfortable with text message or email communication as opposed to speaking on the 'phone. Gradually, you'll get to know what makes them feel comfortable in the realm of communications and friendships and as time passes, the frequency of meet ups may well increase as you both get to learn more about the different ways you each approach things.

Moving back to the festive season, if you're not relishing the upcoming days of solitude try one or more of these...

If you're OK with socialising to some degree and can manage to go somewhere, check out what local community groups are up to on your area. Many are open over Christmas for people who are on their own or lonely and you'll usually find a warm welcome, hot drinks and other people who may also be on their own to chat with.

If that's beyond you, see if there are any groups specifically for autistic people that will be running a Christmas meet up either in person, or online.Check if there are any groups (such as on Facebook) that are offering an 'open door' on Christmas Day. AS North West will be doing just that and you can choose to either message within the group which also reaches out to others who may be alone or you can message privately if it makes you feel more comfortable. Either way, you're guaranteed a response.

If you have a support worker, be sure to check with them what days over Christmas they're working so you know if you can chime in with them and also see if they can recommend anywhere either for in-person meets or online that you could hook in to.

Finally, remember - it's only one day and will likely be much quieter out and about so if the weather's OK, taking yourself off into some green space could be just the thing whilst it's quiet.

AS North West is here for you over the festive season and specifically for chat on Christmas Day and Boxing Day if you need us. Join our Facebook group to connect.