One of the most common aspects that many acknowledge and understand when thinking about autism is that autistic people like routine and predictability. Spontaneity is often well down our list of characteristics.  So why is this?  Why is it that some people can hear the words, “Guess what? I’ve booked us a city break for this weekend and we head off tomorrow!” and proceed to whoop, jump and celebrate and yet many autistic people will hear these words and their stomach is immediately in a knot, the anxious tension rising, the physical signs of the ‘fight or flight’ response starting to manifest and (depending on the person’s perception of how unnerving the announcement is), mutism creeping up?

Because Christmas is a time of doing things that generally wouldn’t be done on a day to day basis, our routines can be disrupted greatly in many different ways and it’s really important to understand why this has such a major impact on us.

It would be natural to consider that the word 'sensory' refers to our 5 senses; Taste, Hearing, Touch, Sight and Smell. 

However, us autists can also have issues with bodily and spacial awareness and our sense of balance.

Specifically at Christmastime, this could encompass; food and perfume smells, volumes of people, lights, sounds, noise from groups of people (including quiet chatter), TV ads, hustle and bustle out and about etc.   

Many autistic people can be hypersensitive or hyposensitive to external stimuli.  We may also experience Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). In an autistic context, being hypersensitive means that certain stimuli (bright lights and loud noises are just two well-known examples) can really irritate us and trigger anxious reactions, aggressive behaviours or even shutdown.  Being hyposensitive means that we may not be able to identify when something is causing us pain.  The often used example here is if we touch something very hot but we don’t actually realise that it is too hot and causing damage to our skin, until that damage has already been done.        

It’s probably fair to say that pressure and expectation to socialise is at a much higer level over the festive season.  

Being sociable is not something that comes naturally to many autistic adults as we struggle with so called ’small talk’ such as ‘how was your day?’ (too vague), ‘how are you?’ (how much detail do you want and how much time do you have to listen?), ‘what are you doing for Christmas?’ (I don’t know because I’m not keen on it and I know that’s not what you expect to hear).

It can be easy for some to keep themselves to themselves.  There may not be any nearby family or any friends but for others, there may be the dreaded annual expectations from partners, family, children, school, friends and work colleagues that you must be part of whatever seasonal event it is they are urging you to come along to because after all, “everybody loves Christmas!”

There’s no getting away from it - people do have additional expectations at Christmas and as autists, we can feel the burden of these more than most.  

We can be expected to;

• Join in (with whatever has been organised)
• Be happy (when inside we may not be)
• Drink or consume food to excess
• Be ready to accept any social invitations offered
• Put elements of our routines aside

The easiest way to deal with the expectations of others is to set your own boundaries as early as possible. It’s not going to work if you tell people, “it’s my way or the highway” plus this isn’t fair on others.  It’s about trying to achieve a reasonable balance between everyone’s wants and needs. Trying to make this balance work will be more challenging for us than it is for non autistic people.  That said, sometimes it only takes one or two adjustments to make a whole heap of difference for us.

If you have a partner or family who do have certain expectations at this time of year, bear in mind that they’re only looking to have a good time too, they just go about it in a different way to us.  Much as we wouldn’t want them clamping down on our ways of doing things at any time of the year, equally, we all deserve to relax and have fun in whatever ways we enjoy so do be prepared to put some elements of your usual routine aside.  It might be a later bedtime because of visitors or outings.  You might not be able to watch something you’re really into because you’ll be out.  You might not be able to immerse yourself in whatever particular interest is top of your list at the moment.  

If you can set things like this up in your head beforehand and mentally prepare for the changes, knowing that they are coming and what time they’ll end, it’ll be easier to cope with.

It's worth remembering too that often, it won't just be the expectations of others that cause us stress.  We're great at piling huge amounts of pressure onto ourselves simply because we want to try and please those around us or not be seen as party poopers and the combination of both external and self-inflicted pressures can result in us becoming totally overwhelmed and needing 'time out'.

Whilst we might be able to get through a period of time masking and behaving in a way more akin to others expectations of what is ‘normal’, doing this is incredibly draining. It's like doing a physically active job for a period of time and then needing to rest up afterwards.  Equally, the physical and mental exhaustion that follows from a period of intense masking can make us just want to go to bed and curl up out of the way, away from stimuli and other people.  It can throw us off balance and mean that we are unable to function as we normally would for an ensuing period of time which could be anything from just few hours to several days.  To avoid having to go through this type of burnout, we will often try to avoid the situations where we feel we have to do this or where socialising is expected of us which is why Christmas can be particularly difficult because the expectations on us from other non autistic people mean that there can be fewer opportunities to avoid such gatherings.

Christmas gifts are another (possibly surprising) aspect of the Festive season that can cause angst.  

Some of us (because of our tendencies to think deeply and overly about things and not be swayed by tradition or obligation) genuinely cannot understand the whole concept of giving gifts at this time.  If we like somebody enough to think of giving them a gift, we’ll do it when the mood takes us at any time of year, not just because all the lights are on, the trees are up and the shops are filled with all manner of seasonally themed tat. 

And yet there is the perception that everyone loves to give and receive gifts.  Some people dislike receiving gifts as they feel there is then some kind of expectation on them to shower gratitude on the gift-giver when in fact, they may not even like or have use for whatever was given. It also puts you in the spotlight and if you’re somebody who dislikes attention, that’s really not a good feeling.  

Neurotypical folk will tend to get upset if you tell them that you don’t like what they’ve given you, even though it’s the truth and there then ensues a whole new type of expectation where you’re supposed to just smile sweetly, thank the person and tell them how much you like it.  

Because that's factually incorrect, we're going to struggle doing it.

For various different gift ideas click here.

Even when we love our family and friends dearly the festive season can give rise to rifts and disagreements and these can be especially difficult for autistic people to deal with.  

Some of us end up having to withdraw from interactions just to look after our own wellbeing. 

It’s also often the case that because many of us don’t want to be seen as the grouchy ones or be the ones to say no to things we try to ‘soldier on’ and push through situations that are difficult for us which can end up leading to overwhelm and/or burnout.   

By the time we’ve masked our way through whatever festivities we’ve either been cajoled into, chosen to go to or just felt obliged to attend, we’ll often be at a stage where we have very little left to give, which is why withdrawing becomes a necessary option so that we can recharge and start building things back in again slowly.

It's also worth mentioning that a number of autistic people that have been diagnosed later in life have not had that diagnosis accepted by family at all and sometimes, it is even mocked.

I know from experience and from liaising with other adults that loneliness and isolation are big problems within the autistic community.  There are many factors that lead to autistic people being alone and to describe them all here would take up much time and space but it is a real issue for many.

The irony is though, that because a lot of autistic people are generally happy in their own company, don't feel they need others around them all the time and actually function better without the distractions that come along with being in somebody else's company, being alone is often a choice they have made for themselves.  It can be difficult for non autistic people to understand this aspect.  Sometimes, we have to make choices that are effectively trade offs so whilst we consider the benefits of living fairly solitary existences are good for us in many aspects of life, the downside is that we can sometimes risk becoming lonely and isolated.  As we are not very good at reaching out and making connections and we often find it hard to understand the motives and behaviours of non autistic people, we can sometimes end up feeling alone and although we have the desire to find friends to communicate and meet with from time to time, we usually lack the social skills necessary to make it happen.

It's also worth mentioning that a number of autistic people that have been diagnosed later in life have not had their diagnoses accepted by their families at all and sometimes, it is even mocked.  This is a terrible state of affairs and can lead to the autistic person withdrawing from their family, thereby cutting off another avenue of communication.

Christmas can be a lonely time for many people, not just those in the autism community.  We are all surrounded by images of families and friends being together, it is expected that we link up with others and that we absolutely must be happy at this time of year.  The difference being that were a friendly hand to be offered out to an autistic person, they'd be anxious about taking it and worry about what might be expected of them whereas a non autistic person may be far more willing to accept it as it appears at face value - just a friendly gesture.  It's also true that many people, whether neurodivergent or not, can feel lonely even when they have people around them so sometimes, even when somebody is in a group, they may still experience feeling of loneliness. This particular aspect of the topic is complex.  Face value is not always what it seems.

If you know an autistic person and you either know they struggle with isolation or you're not sure how they feel about being alone at Christmas time, best thing to do is ask if they'd like to have some company at any stage.  They'll often give you a very direct answer so you'll always know how the land lies.  If they don't, then respect their wishes and just let them know they can get in touch with you if they change their minds.  If they do, then ask what would work best for them and try to make it work as best you can.